Attack of the Babysat
by monkeybait
Summary: Sora, Riku and Kairi are seven. What will happen when someone has to baby-sit them?


THIS ALL HAPPENS WHEN THEY ARE SEVEN AND NOT VERY SMART

Chapter One

A Weird Day

Sora sat on the beach next to a pile of rocks. Kairi and Riku were right behind him. The three best friends had just had a contest- a race to see whose goldfish was the fastest. They had built the mini arena out of hamster tubes, which the goldfish could swim in quiet nicely. How they'd put this together is an entirely different story indeed...

Sora had actually won the competition and out of happiness killed his goldfish, Peebo. He wasn't too sad; this wasn't the first time a goldfish had come victim to his abrupt perkiness. _Easy come, easy go_, Sora thought as he added another gravestone to his goldfish cemetery.

" Should I say the words?" Riku asked importantly. Sora nodded.

" He was a good goldfish," Riku shouted to basically nobody but Sora and Kairi, " and he spread joy like a diseased squirrel spreads... disease." He looked at Kairi, indicating it was her turn.

" And he was good, but not as good as Carlos." Kairi cried, mostly for effect, but also because Carlos was now her beloved, dead guinea pig. She looked at Sora. Sora didn't really have anything to say, so he put wilting dandelion next to the gravestone. The three of them walked away, but faces immediately brightened when they got to the boardwalk.

" So," said Kairi, " what do you guys want to do?"

" Wind surfing! Kayaking! Offroad toothbrushing!" Sora scratched his head. " Golly, I can't decide."

" Well, then let's ask Riku," Kairi offered. " He's good at thinking up this kind of stuff."

Kairi and Sora stared at the thinking Riku for about an hour. A faint, dusty light bulb that had probably never been used flashed above Riku's head and flickered a little before falling to the ground and smashing, indicating Riku had an idea, but they would be done for if they actually agreed with it.

But Sora and Kairi always liked Riku's ideas, bad or almost bad.

" First," Riku said, " let's shave our heads! Then we'll make sandwiches and play Pillow Pirates until sundown!"

Kairi and Sora both agreed that it was a very good idea and followed Riku over to his house.

Riku grabbed an electrice razor and shaved there heads. Kairi almost cried with unhappiness, but got over it pretty quickly. Sora laughed meniacally the whole time for no apparent reason... at least, not for any reason Kairi and Riku could figure out.

" I'm hungry," Sora said after his meniacal laughing spree had ended.

" Sandwich time!" Riku shouted again. He raced downstairs, pulling his two buddies along with him.

" Ooh, I'm starved, too!" Kairi said happily. " What do you got?"

" Peanut jelly and butter!" Riku said smiling. " PJ&B's, everybody! I mashed up the peanuts myself this morning."

" Don't tell me you did it with a rock and pedestle again," Sorra said aggravated, looking at the peanut butter dappled with pebbles that looked just like the ones in Riku's backyard.

" Well... um... just eat it!" He forced the sandwiches into Kairi and Sora's mouths. Kairi munched hers even though it tasted like rubble just to be a good friend, and Sora spit the globby mess back out.

" Icky," he said, folding his arms and indicating he wouldn't eat it. Riku bursts into tears. Kairi hit Sora.

" Idiot!" she yelled. " You hurt Riku's feeling! He worked hard to make that peanut jelly and you spit it out!" Kairi sticks out her tongue and walks away.

" Wait!" said Riku, the crying stopping. " We didn't even play Pillow Pirates! And I forgive you, Sora, if you eat the sandwich off the floor."

" Okay!" Sora said brightly yet stupidly at the same time. He ate the sandwich again and they headed upstairs to Riku's closet of piratey pirate stuff, or at least, that's what they called it.

" I get the eye patch!"

" I get the sword!"

" I get the lumber leg!" Sora shouted happily.

" Fine, than I get the iron eye," Kairi scoffed, picking up the metal sphere and staring at it. " On second thought...". She chucked it away and got down on her hands and knees, searching for something else interesting and less metally used insert into her eye socket.

Sora and Kairi divvied up the pirate stuff. Riku, who was no normal pirate in any since, garbed himself in anything he could find: a Mickey Mouse ear hat from Disney Land, a pair of really tight Spandex pants, his grandma's Bowling Bananza t-shirt, and a pair of bunny slippers that Sora and Kairi had a feeling were actually bunnies. He'd taped a nail to his Bowling Bananza shirt as a badge and smiled approvingly.

" Aargh!" said Riku. " I be the captain!"

Sora shot him a glance of pure hatred.

" No way, man!" Sora shouted. " I'm the captain!"

Riku got rid of the pirate accent. " But I called it!"

" You don't even look like a pirate!" Sora commented, pointing at the bunnies, who were frantically squirming under Riku's weight. Riku patted them, a tiny heart-shaped symbol is drawn next to him by the hand of someone from heck-knows-where.

" I don't care if I don't like a pirate," Riku said again. " I called it and that's what matters!"

Sora looked at Kairi for help. " He did call it," she said faintly, wondering if Sora would bite her. But Sora just sulked.

" Fine. Be the captain."

Sora had always tried to become the Pillow Pirate captain, but somehow, Riku had always called it first. And it was Kairi whom had come up with the rule, so she always agreed with Riku. But Riku hadn't always been the leader. Sometimes, Cloud and Yuffie came over. Then Yuffie and Kairi would go to the arcade, abandoning Sora and Riku to get stuck with Cloud. Cloud always needed to be the captain. And Cloud wasn't a very good captain, Sora and Riku decided. By the end of the game they had walked the plank- three times. And of course, they always had to come back alive again so Cloud could torture them with his walk-the-plankedness. The two boys would have stood up to him a lot sooner, if Cloud hadn't been taller than the both of them, counting Sora's abnormally spikey hair and Riku's large chunky-healed shoes.

Sora and Riku were coming up with a scheme to get Cloud, but that is, once again, an entirely different story.

Suddenly, Kairi pulled on Sora's abnormally spikey hair, and yelled in his ear, " Are we gonna play Pillow Pirates or are you two on a vacation in Lala Land!"

Sora whipped around, but it turned out Riku actually was in Lala Land. He was humming some odd theme song he'd made up. Sora had to hit him and Kairi had to shout at him until he whipped around too fast and wacked Sora, giving him a nose bleed.

" What! Oops," Riku said, then looked at the damage. " Hey, Sora! Ketchup's coming out your nose!"

Riku laughed playfully and pointed at Sora. Sora gritted his teeth in anger and pain, even though the bleeding had stopped about four minutes ago. Kairi rolled her eyes. " Whatever, let's just play pirates."

Riku ran into his parent's bedroom and grabbed all the pillows he could, making a rectangle-shape they could all sit on. Sora pretended to drive the boat. Riku totally hated Sora driving the boat, because Sora always pretended he was driving them into rocks or something.

" Oh no! Rocks!"

" No rocks."

" Oh no! Dolphins!"

" Don't hit the dolphins!"

" Kairi, you're over protective."

" Oh no! Sea monster!"

" Cool!"

" No! Stop steering us into stuff!" Riku said hotly.

" Oh no! Scuba divers!"

Kairi took over the wheel. " No," she growled at Sora, who shrugged and grabbed a toilet paper roll that was supposed to be a telescope.

" Oh no! Uh..." Sora thought for a moment. " Uh, we can't run into anything else. I'm outta ideas."

" Good," said Riku.

Riku sat by the door. Sora and Kairi had already left, but his mom said they could have a sleep-over. They had gone home to get their stuff.. Only Cloud, who was five years older than them, was baby-sitting. Riku didn't know what that really was, but he had a feeling their were a lot of hurt babies in the world because of it.

" Mommy?"

" Yes, Riku-bumpkins?"

" Is baby-sitting illegal?"

" Of course not. Baby-sitting is a very good thing." Riku's mom walked into the kitchen to make sure the refrigerator was padlocked.

_My mom wants to kill me, _Riku thought nervoulsy, _She's gonna make someone come and sit on me!_

The doorbell rang and Sora and Kairi walked in. Riku's mom gave them some Mexican pizza, told them Cloud would be there soon.

" And he's bringing Yuffie, too!"

" Yay," Riku and Sora said sarcastically. As soon as Riku's mom left, they counted how much gum was stuck under the table. Then they broke a frisbee and sat by the door, waiting.

" I like Yuffie," said Kairi, " even if she's older than me."

" Yuffie's a potsticker."

" What!"

" I don't like Yuffie. I don't like potstickers. So Yuffie's a potsticker." Riku stuck out his tongue, indicating that the conversation was over, so there. Kairi rolled her eyes. Sora broke the silence.

" I brought my stamp collection," he said, grinning bigly. " We can send ourselves to China, if you want."

" But it's your collection!" Kairi said. Sora shrugged. " What good is it if you don't send yourself somewhere?"

So they covered themselves in sticky stamps and CLOUD NEVER SHOWED UP.

" Where is he?" Kairi tapped her foot impatiently. Sora and Riku grinned. Kairi whipped around.

" Do you two have something to do with this?"

" Maybe." Sora and Riku giggled. Obviously this is the part where their stop Cloud plan comes into action. Kairi throttles them both.

" You IDIOTS! What did you do to Cloud and Yuffie!" she shouted at them. Even after the pummeling, Sora and Riku were laughing hysterically. The laughing didn't subside at all, until the doorbell rang, and Ansem walked in.

" Ansem! What are you doing in my house?" Riku asked Ansem.

" Covering for Yuffie and Cloud, who are apparently 'inches away from death'." He made quotations with his fingers around 'inches away from death'. He shook his head. " Yeah. Uh-huh."

Kairi's eyes widen to saucers. " If they die, you're going down with 'em."

Sora and Riku looks at each other, than go into another giggle fit, rolling on the floor. Kairi and Ansem stare at them, wondering if they'll ever know what truly is so funny about Cloud and Yuffie dying.

" Alright, uh, boys and girl," Ansem says. " Let's read a story."

" On yer mark, get set, GO!" shouted Riku randomly. They stared at him strangely.

" Whatever," said Kairi. " I'm going to go look for Yuffie and Cloud. And you two idiots-" she pointed at Sora and Riku who were still having a giggle fit "- better not follow me!"

Kairi left, and Ansem didn't stop her for some reason. Maybe he thought that Yuffie and Cloud could use some rescuing. Or maybe he saw a shiny nickel on the floor. I don't know.

Suddenly Sora and Riku stopped laughing.

" Oh, no! Kairi's going to try to save Yuffie and Cloud! What if she gets hurt, too?" Sora inquired.

" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" Um, Ri-?"

" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" Riku, sto-"

" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" Riku, what are you-?"

" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" RIKU-!"  
" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" RIKU, SHUT-!"

" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" You forgot the magic word," said Ansem, obviously still staring at whatever it was on the floor that was so shiny.

" On yer mark, get set, GO!"

" Hocus pocus dominocus!"

Riku stops.

" I meant 'please'." Ansem sighed. " You two stay here. I have shiny stuff to look at."

Ansem walked off into the kitchen somewhere (I guess it was the nickel).

So Riku and Sora raced off to save Kairi, but NOT Cloud or Yuffie, the worst babysitters in the history of the world and not to mention Mercury, Jupiter, and Quazar (I'm not quite sure if that's still qualified as a planet, but Riku and Sora qualified it, so now it is, tough beans).

They saw a huge pit. Yuffie and Cloud were in it. Kairi was staring at them.

" Sora, Riku," she said.

" Yeah?"

" YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS AT DEATH TRAPS!"

" What?" Sora and Riku were shocked.

" That's just a hole in the ground!" Kairi yelled pointing at it. " It's not going to kill anybody! Now help me get Cloud and Yuffie out!"

Sora stares at Riku. Riku stares at Sora. Sora and Riku stare at each other.

" No!" they both say happily.

" You will help!" Kairi said. " Or I'll kill you without a pit!"  
" No!"  
" FINE!" So Kairi beat the stuffing out of them and then throws them in the pit. She then rescues Cloud and Yuffie and they go home. So Sora and Riku are stuck their for all of enternity. I think.

THE END (or is it...?)

**So, what did you think? Was it good? R&R, please! Because I love reviews! For more funny stories, click on my name! If you like Avatar, click on What Should Have Happened! If you like Legend of Zelda (particularly Wind Waker), click on Link versus Komali: a Battle of Wits! If you like Yu Gi-OH, click on Burrito Monday! Hey, the only way I've ever gotten reviews is advertising, okay?**

**Okay, we are going to do some shout-outs now!**

**BillieJoeRox: **Hi, Green Day-obsessed friend! Please add on another chapter to your story! You'd get more reviews that way and besides, I wanna know what happens next! Billie Joe clap clap clap Mike and Tre' clap clap clap! I can't believe the school year is almost over! I can't wait until summer! Bye friendo! (gives Green Day CD)

**Lizard Lad: **Thanks again for reviewing my story! Your stories are good, too! Are you thinking about adding on another chapter to Deception? Please consider it! Bye friendo! (gives Pretzels)

**Xlo: **This is Part II! Wahoo! Okay, are you going to write another chapter in your story? That can't be the end! No! Anyhow, is it summer where you are? It's almost summer for me here. Bye friendo! (gives Magic Wand)

**Baron11: **Thank you for reviewing! I'll look at your stories! Bye friendo! (gives Licorice)

**SomeoneHappy: **You are so good at story writing! I wanna check out your other stories, because they make me want to keep reading or laugh when it's funny! If you're on here, I hope you enjoyed the story! Bye friendo! (gives Stuffed Ladybug)

**Ktoe: **Yes, thank you for apologizing for swearing so much. When my friends swear, it drives me up the walls, so now they do it on purpose. Oh well, your story was still hilarious with the bloopers! Bye friendo! (gives Lime Green Sharpie)

**Prince Izzy X: **I write a lot of stories in script format, so thank you for the review! I've never had anyone say they liked that! Bye frinedo! (gives Cotton Candy Bubblegum)

**Star Wars nut: **Cool, you must be good at violin to do that! I couldn't play violin for my life. Thank you for reviewing! (gives Rubber Ducky)

**Mrs.Delrossi: **I already gave you a shout-out, I think, yeah I did, oh well! Thank you fro reviewing! I'll read more of your stories sometime! Bye friendo! (gives Pink Telephone)

**bukora's girl: **Yeah, I was writing a second chapter for Burrito Monday, but my computer deleted it. DANG! Anyhow, thank you for reviewing! Bye friendo! (gives Box of Silver Spoons/Pencils from the Shiny Pirates)

**Stormrose Dewleaf: **Hi! There's not much to say, except thank you for reviewing! Bye friendo! (gives Picture of a Pikachu doing the Hula)

**Namine3419: **I love your story Carless Life! That is SO funny! Sora is such a ditz. Here! Bye friendo! (gives Giant Toothbrush)

**Cala Akina Morushiku: **Zuko's Life and Why it has Some Significance was pretty funny, sorry though, I only read the first chapter! LOL! Okay, bye friendo! (gives Staple Gun)

**twistedimaginations: **I still love your Young Aang story! So funny at times! Keep on posting! Bye friendo! (gives Lawn Mower)

**Soul of the Fox: **Seinfeld is so random and funny, especially chapter two! Please keep posting! Bye friendo! (gives Mouse Pad)

**Cherene Robins: **Errors is very funny! LOL! Bye friendo! (gives Rubber Chicken that Sings Yankee Doodle)

**The Last Female Firebender: **I ABSOLUTELY LOVE KNOCK KNOCK! PLEASE MAKE A SECOND CHAPTER! Bye friendo! (gives Bird Cage)

**crazyaboutavatar: **Prince Zuko meets Seto Kaiba is hilarious! LOL! Bye friendo! (gives Blue Pinwheel)

**cookiesandmilk: **Hooray for Boredom! The fanfic of course. It is so funny! Add on a second chapter! Please! Bye friendo! (gives Dream Catcher)

**Paul P.S. Sullivan: **I like Mother's Day Flowers! It's so good! LOL! Bye friendo! (gives Pencil Sharpener)

**Beezlee-: **Sewing the Pants is SO funny! LOL! Bye friendo! (gives Duct Tape)

**greyspark: **I wish it didn't swear so much, but Result of Boredom is funny! I love it! NO MORE SWEARING! Bye friendo! (gives Phone Book Yellow Pages)

**That's all for now! Have a great summer, people!**

**Author formally known as banana.**


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